From awkward to… Still awkward.

So it’s been almost a work week since we have been “seeing eachother”. we have decided that we are not going to officially date, only because we don’t want to rush things. We both live in separate sober living houses. Where for a certain amount of time, when moving in the house, privacy isn’t really yours any.ore. For reasons you can probably guess.

We spend most of our time driving around going to parks at the lake. Our dilougue is honest and deep. This is one thing that is different about most of my relationships. My past relationships have been based in drugs, drinking and crazy sex that lasted hours into the sun rise. I’m not complaining, but honesty, communication and trust was never the foundation, until now. Even though we have known each other for years, the way we speak to each other and interact is different. Its awkward. It’s weird. It’s different. But I’m glad that it is, if it wasn’t, something would be wrong. This tells me we actually care about each other. We are taking in consideration how the other person feeld. For example when we kiss, I still dont know where to out my hands, and I can tell it’s the same for her. I don’t want to touch her in areas where she is maybe self conscious about her body. Its awkward.

The one thing that trumps all these weird feelings, is that I can tell she actually cares about me. If I have an issue, she is right there to tell me she doesn’t look at me any different or that she will be there no matter what. She loves me unconditional. And it makes me smile…

Things might be awkward.

Sooner or later that will be a thing of the past.

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“The awkward phase”

Lastnight we had a conversation about our relationship, as friends. And if we wanted to gamble it for the chance at love. With awkward laughs in the air, and random rustling around with our phones, we came to the conclusion that we are going to take it slow. That we will push forward, in this pursuit of happiness.

We realized that things will be different. The way we say hello, the way we talk to each other, and how we sort out our issues. One thing that we covered was trust, and communication. It’s an understanding that communication is going to be key in this attempt at growing old together. We had discussed some issues that I will later share with you guys. I have some baggage, and she didn’t care. She didn’t look at me different or freak out. She said “well we can work through that”. It made me feel good, it made me feel alive,it made me feel like no matter what, she is going to be by my side.

A straight rider.

Another issue we discussed is that we cannot get in the way of each other’s goals and the way we ” do life ” right now. Because we are both vulnerable, and have plenty of personal things to work through. I think she is in my life for some reason…. to teach me how to actually love? Or … maybe I shouldn’t date a good friend. Only time will tell…..

There is just something about her….

I’ve known her for years, and before then I knew who she was. She wasn’t my type. Kinda loud, obnoxious, and our sense of humor was worlds apart. I would have never considered the fact that one day, we might be together.

We have always had a surface connection; shared the same values, knew the same people and attended the same functions around town. On occasions she would stay at my house, and watch a movie. When it came time to go to sleep we would crawl into bed together. Yes, we were comfortable but nothing sexual ever happened between us. Never even exchanged a kiss…. until just recently.

Last week we sat on the lake, the sun was setting and our spirits just connected. Conversations of god, our life, and the universe flowed in such a beautiful way, that telling you this story almost does it no justice. I felt vulnerable, like a child riding his bike with no helmet. And I don’t feel this way aften. When she drove me home I chain smoked cigarettes like they were going out of style. I was nervous. I felt something on the lake, that I have never experienced with her before. And we have known each other persoannaly for a good 2 years. My heart was racing. We parked outside. As we were saying goodbye I couldn’t keep my eyes off her lips. The way they moved was like a perfect wave, rolling through the sea that never crashed. My stomach, a cage full of butterflies that wanted to crawl back into their cocoons, because they were confused. I wanted to kiss her. But i didn’t. I stepped out of her car regretting it with every step I took.

My night was filled with wonder, imagination and self doubt. I finally picked up thephone that seemed to weigh a thousand pounds and told her how I felt. Well…..She felt the same.

And this is the beginning of our story… will love prevail?? Or will this cost my my friendship????

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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